All articles of this personal website, welcome to reprint. Seek mental health promoting the operation and cooperation, contact Lee spectrum
All articles of this personal website, welcome to reprint. Seek mental health promoting the operation and cooperation, contact Lee spectrum email@example.com) group people outside the home
Author: Li Hui spectrum psychiatrist
Key words: emotional shame (shame) inferiority complex interpersonal relationship
This article has been published in the Journal of mental rehabilitation
Lee: "when I was a freshman, shame almost filled my life. I graduated from a county high school in the northwest to the first place in the school to the north. There are 6 girls in my dormitory, besides me, they all come from big cities. Not every class, they go out shopping, Xidan friendship, too Jun a shopping mall. I didn't hear the names of these stores after I came to Beijing. The cosmetics and clothes in a superb collection of beautiful things the price of the expensive for me is hard to accept, the sum of my parents for a month income is not enough to buy a pair of shoes in the. I was in such a market, see others can have these fine clothes, think of their own wear is not pay attention to feel uncomfortable. They also go to play tennis together, and I can't afford to pay for the court and equipment, and I've never played, never played. So I have only one place, is the day of the bubble in the school free library, from 7 in the morning to the evening of 10 points. In addition to go back to the dormitory to sleep at night, I do not have the opportunity to be with them, but also into their world. I read a lot of books in the library. My mind is very agile, hard to learn, professional performance is very good, the perspective of the various disciplines to make my mind rich and open. But I can feel the pain of deep shame when I see the laughter of their company. I had a very good girl friend in my department in college. This tendency to shame continues until I graduate."
The lunch time, several colleagues eat noodles together in the office, I sat in the corner of your computer into a heap file. I thought, 'someone asked for a working dinner.' At this time, I heard someone say: 'there are too many noodles, we can't eat this time They simply think and solve lunch together, I took the lunch box to join in. But gradually I felt uncomfortable, and some people said: "no one invited at noon today, we are AA." 'then I'll pay for it myself.' I immediately said. But shame is still. Eat colleagues than I have seniority between them laughing, and I fell lonely in a corner, not to utter a single word. I'd love to melt into their gossip, but I don't know what to say. Looking at other people can be very easy to melt into the group, I really want to quickly eat noodles in the bowl, and then disappear from the scene. It was not until I went to wash the dishes that I hid in the next room. They seem to be saying, 'you're not welcome, you don't belong to us.'"
Hear this story, I guess your heart began to calm. Other people's emotions are easy to arouse our own similar emotions. Shame is a strong, memorable, painful experience, we might all have, it is hidden in the depths of our hearts is a kind of hidden emotions, because we don't want to tell others that experience. But shame is a basic social emotion, and many people's interpersonal problems involve the content of shame. There must be a group of people around you, even yourself.
"People outside the group" is very lonely, very painful. He wants to be a part of the group, where there is pain, shame. Because in the group he will feel ashamed, as Lee and his roommates in the friends of shopping malls found they can not afford to buy a pair of shoes to experience, so Lee chose to hide to go to the library, no longer roommates go out shopping, in order to avoid exposure to the kind of shame experience. Here she was ashamed of her social background and economic status, although she was very intelligent and very good at her studies. The sense of shame relates to our sense of self. When we are not accepted by the group, when we feel that our position in the group is low, we will be ashamed when we are challenged by our self concept".
To avoid the discomfort of being exposed to shame for a while, but avoiding the difficulties of interpersonal relations and the withdrawal of social function. Since the "escape" is not "good medicine", then, there is no "medicine" can cure "shame pain"? How to overcome the plight of people outside the group?
"There" s no remedy for than practising benevolence. (the best way to cure shame is to do good deeds. ") shame better" For China, is Mencius that made it clear: "such as shame, is benevolence." The Li Duojin library to strengthen self-cultivation, be learned in books, to some extent is "benevolence", as she makes up for self-esteem and self-confidence in other ways; in Lee's case, there is another kind of "benevolence" possibility, although more difficult, but more fundamentally, is hard to do good roommate, respect and goodwill towards the roommate, in order to reach the purpose of their acceptance and welcome. Although Lee and roommates have a different life background, but it does not mean that she must not be able to integrate into the roommate group. Lee's fellow other girls from the countryside, and those from big city girls get along very well.
In addition, perhaps Lee can talk to her country and her girlfriend, this sense of shame, rather than their own suffering in shame. Li may look at his own beliefs, and find that a pair of fancy shoes is not so important to him. Lee may be able to participate in their own interest in the community activities (do not need to spend money), the circle of friends will be extended to get the recognition and acceptance of the group, rather than immersed in the library alone all day long. Perhaps, there are many...... People outside the group is very painful, the pain may be cured.
(in the second half of 2005)